Finding Courage as a Same-Sex Attracted Catholic Man
 
On Feb. 28 at St. Jude, Karl Miller, a Catholic man with same-sex attraction, gave a moving and emotional testimony of his life and how he came to “realize the truth and beauty of the Church’s teaching.” He also shared how Catholics can reach out more effectively and took questions from a crowd of over 30 people.

Karl Miller is a speaker for Courage International, an organization that supports same-sex attracted men and women who are trying to live a life of chastity. Before starting, he explained that the Church uses the term “same-sex attracted” (SSA) rather than “gay,” because we are not defined by our sexual behavior. We are defined as beloved children of God. “I know that I am a beloved child of God who happens to have same-sex attraction.”

“Why do I have same-sex attraction?” he asked rhetorically. “I can’t speak for everyone, but in my case, I was molested when I was 6, and I feel, in my heart, that there is a connection.”

Raised in a devout Catholic family, Karl knew something was different when boys started talking about girls and he didn’t have the same feelings. Still, he was active in ministry and at 15 was discerning the priesthood. But then he smoked his first joint and started drinking, and “the scales tipped away from religion.” Soon he was skipping Mass, then he went to a porn shop and had a sexual encounter. It devastated him; but it planted seeds.

He started clubbing. At 17 he went to Confession, where the priest told him he had to make a choice, the Church or the gay scene. He thought, “Who needs the Church? I’m having too much fun!” He turned his back on his Faith and threw himself into “the lifestyle.” But even in the midst of this “fun,” his drinking and drugs continued to escalate.

Like St. Monica, Karl’s mother prayed constantly for his return to the Church, but it was still a long way off. In the mid-1980s the AIDS epidemic struck, and his friends started dying. He thought, “What of this good and merciful God I was taught about? How could He kill my friends just because they like having sex?” To Karl, it was one more reason to hate the Church.

Karl’s addictions continued to worsen. “I thought I used alcohol for peace of mind, but I didn’t realize it was numbing me.” Eventually, Karl managed to kick his drug habit, and in 1992, at 32 years old, he walked into his first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

In any 12-step program, the first step is to admit you’re powerless. The second step is to recognize a Power higher than yourself. Karl was not ready for the Church. He tried every New Age belief he could, blending them to define his own religion. But he knew it was a dodge.

He began to feel drawn back to the Church, but he hesitated. “I was looking for God, but I couldn’t accept that God might be looking for me.”

Dipping his toe in, Karl tried Mass again, then started reading the Catechism. The first priest he spoke to on his journey back wore a rainbow fish pin, but Karl walked away feeling he “didn’t get the whole truth.” Ironically, by presenting the Church’s black and white teaching in shades of gray, that priest actually kept Karl out of the Church longer.

Finally, he spoke to a priest who told him he loved him, welcomed him back, and told him he was called to chastity, just like everyone else. This was a liberating message. After a few months back in the Church, he found Courage International.

Karl shared the painful experience that he and many others with SSA have suffered, the feeling that they are not loved by God or by the Church. “We really feel it. It’s internalized.” But he now knows it’s not true. He is active in his parish and has a terrific group of friends. The Sisters of Life and the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal are often involved with Courage and offer support to people with SSA. And the Church is the #1 non-governmental body serving those suffering from AIDS. “The amount of resources that the Church puts into helping AIDS victims is staggering. I beg you, please get the word out. The Church has lost the PR battle in the last 20 years. We can’t let it continue. We have allowed others to define the Church’s position on same-sex attraction, wrongly, and it has been devastating to the Church and to the gay community.”

Karl is very troubled that the teachings of the Church are often presented in gray by Church leaders. He’s a big fan of Archbishop Chaput, who declares Church teaching in black and white, but with genuine compassion. That has redemptive value.

“Mine is a story of redemption,” he said. When dealing with a person with SSA, “you must always approach the person with love. Begin the dialog with love.”

Q&A Summary
Before the Q&A, Karl recommended Fr. Mike Schmidt’s book Made for Love. He said it’s one of the best. It’s directed to young people, but will help everyone understand the issue more clearly.

Regarding chastity: Again emphasizing the importance of leading with love, Karl reiterated that we are all called to chastity in our state in life, and for single people, whether heterosexual or homosexual, that means celibacy. “Chastity is a goal to be actively pursued. And sometimes we fail. But we have a wonderful resource in Confession, which is an opportunity to start over again.”

Regarding same-sex marriage: “It’s true that a single straight person has the possibility of marriage and a homosexual person does not, but same-sex attracted people can still make very close relationships that are just as fulfilling.” The key is to get involved, especially with good works. Karl has gotten involved with the church and other groups and has many loving, prolonged relationships. “I probably will never marry, but I don’t feel unfulfilled.”

Regarding individual Catholics’ acceptance of people with SSA: Again Karl talked about bad PR. “The Church has let others frame the argument. We need to do better. We need to get out the message that the Church and Catholics are here to listen and to help, no matter what your cross is.”

Very few people even know that Courage exists. Its sister-group, Encourage, is for family and friends of those with SSA. Talks like this are helping to get the word out. “The good thing from all the (media) attention is that it is encouraging dialogue—opportunities like this to come to a church and try to help people understand. This would never have happened 20 years ago.”

Regarding priests’ reaction to people with SSA: It’s mostly a generational issue, with older priests often unprepared to address the topic. Seminarians are receiving the training and resources they need to love and welcome those with same-sex attraction. The rules haven’t changed, but the approach is changing, and that’s going to make a big difference. “I wish more Church leaders were clearer, with no gray areas, and would lead with love.”

Regarding how hard it was to admit he’d come back to the Church: “It was harder to tell people that I was a gay man living the truth of the Church than to tell people I was gay. I lost friends. Or people I thought were friends. But I’ll never forget what my AA sponsor said to me years ago. He said, ‘Sometimes people need to leave your life so God can make room for the ones He wants in your life.’”


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